Recently I became a first time father. That night in the recovery room with my girlfriend laying on the hospital bed holding our son I sat in the chair next to them. In as close proximity as I could so I could reach out and touch them both at the same time. I looked up at the room and even though to my eyes everything looked the same, my world was somehow a whole new place. I could see it in a way that I don’t know how to describe. With my eyes but somehow beyond them as well.
I have to wonder if the same thing happened to my father when I was born. Another thing I have to wonder is if I am a worse son or if he is a worse father. Sad to say we haven’t spoken in 8 1/2 years. I called him on the day that my son tured 1 week old. He didn’t answer the phone but I did leave him a messege. I told him who I was, about my son, and how I knew it’d been so long since we’ve seen each other. I asked him if he wanted to know my son and that I looked foward to hearing from him. But he never called me back. It’s been several months and still nothing.
Am I such a bad son that he rejects mine? Could be. But is it fair for my son to not know all four of his grandparents before they die? I guess since I tried than I am not the bad guy. I gave him a chance. Maybe I’ll write him a letter and enclose some photos of my son. Of my family.
On the other hand, I don’t want to be the father to my son that my father was to me. I want to be a better parent and to be straight out a better person. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad. He spent time with me, taught me things and at least seemed invested in my future. But there were other things that I don’t want repeated. I don’t want to cheat on my girlfriend or throw a full metal tool box at her head. I don’t want to belittle my child for getting less than perfect grades. Thus lecturing him harshly for almost an hour until he cries.
So in closing, for better or worse, my father is in a way always with me. In the back of my mind and in my heart. Just as I will in that same way, always be with my son. I want a good world for my son and for my son to be a good man for said world. In whatever way he chooses to create that. This, being happy and having a sence of safety and success, are all I want for my son.