10 Ways To Improve Your Relationship in Less Than a Minute
By Matt Borer, Ph.D. LMFT
Every relationship has unique intricacies that determine the ebb and flow of the partnership. There are good times and not so good times, and being able to reflect on these ups and downs can be the difference between a satisfied couple, and one that ends up breaking up/ divorcing. Following these 10 simple steps can help to ensure that you are a part of a couple that remains satisfied and happy for years to come.
Disconnect:
During a heated argument it is essential to take some time apart to get your thoughts straightened out. Don’t ask questions like “why,” instead explain your displeasure with your partner and what you need changed and walk away. Have a discussion about the proper amount of time that you need from your partner between the initial fight and the time you come back together to resolve the situation, and stick to it.
Make a Plan for Conflict
Set a plan that includes a time limit for conflict before a conflict occurs. This way, you can be calm and respectful when creating a strategy for conflict outside of the heat of the moment, and will allow you to disconnect properly.
Look Each Other in the Eye:
When talking to your partner or spouse, look at each other in the eyes. This forces a level of intimacy and attention that can lead to a sense of connectedness and improve communication.
Present Problem, Not Past:
Tackle the problem at hand, not the problem from 3 weeks ago that obviously wasn’t properly resolved. Specify the requested behavioral change that you want from your partner (Tell them exactly what you want), trying to avoid the emotional side effects of the fight. Behavioral change will eventually lead to emotional change.
Deal With Your Conflict in Private:
Nobody wants to hear you air your dirty laundry, and it can be embarrassing and maddening to have to involve those around you in your conflict. This may mean leaving your current situation if you can’t wait to discuss the problem later on.
A Little Praise Can Go a Long Way:
Be sure to praise and affirm your partner/spouse when they do something that you appreciate. Often times we only point out the things that bother us and forget to focus on the positives as they happen. This can lead to feeling as though you can do no right, which can make you feel isolated and lonely. A compliment can and will go a long way to ensuring the behavior keeps happening.
Personal Expectations Not What You Expect From Your Partner:
If you are living up to the expectations that you set for yourself (i.e. good husband, provider, compassionate, nice, protector, loving, caretaker etc.) then there should be no reason for your partner/spouse to complain about your actions. We too often focus on what we expect from our partners, and less about whether or not we are living up to the potential that we set up for ourselves.
Social Network as a Couple:
Use a couple or family picture as your profile picture. This sends an immediate message to the rest of the world that you are in a committed relationship.
Decide To Trust:
Trust is a decision that you can either decide to make, or reject. We never know what our spouse/ partner is doing when they are not with us, so we can decide to trust them or not. This is not to say that a person who has betrayed your trust doesn’t have to earn it back, it simply means that if you choose to move on with the relationship, you can give yourself permission to trust your spouse. This will save your sanity in the long run. If your partner is untrustworthy for a second time, it may be the right moment to end the relationship.
Accept Bad Moods and Bad Times:
Not all bad moods or moments are reflections on the relationship, and sometimes people are just better in the morning or at night. It’s important to know your partner’s best and worst times and try to weed out the simple behavioral issues that may be associated with these moments before discussing them in further detail.
For more information, please visit www.mattborer.com or follow me @DrMattBorer
To purchase my book “Deleting UR Ex: Getting over a breakup in a world of tweets, texts, and social updates” visit www.breakupplan.com